The AssCreed
by Pajoombas
Summary: For centuries the AssCreed have formed an order of perfect booties, Altiar's secrets being only dawned upon the most suitable people. All seems well to the mirthful group, but an envious Cesare has threatened their butts with his wrath. Ezio, the best butt in Italy, will have none of his b/s. .:Brotherhood, Crackfic, Ezio/Leo slash:.
1. Carpe Natibus

_ A/N: If you take this seriously, then please get help. _

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In his young adult years, Ezio Auditore was remarkably well-known throughout Italy for his beyond expectation assets. For years, he had had admirer after admirer that would stare and be tantalized by the wonderful butt that he possessed. They gaped as he passed, eyes locked in his direction to make sure they could get a pleasant view the ravishingly refined walking piece of ass that was the greatest ass-assin to come out of Florence. Ezio knew this, and always feigned surprise when he was told by his brothers that a crowd of bypassers would look over their shoulders to sneak a peak at his gluteus. He found amusement in their gasping and whispering, _What wonderfully tight pants!_, and _Who is that man?_; all things said on a daily basis.

Ezio merely smirked and taunted.

From the day he vowed his father that he too would become one with the ass-assins, took the oath of the AssCreed; Ezio had been grateful. He no longer had to bare the burden of wielding a glorious arse. All his youth he had thought himself to be too gifted, that he had been an outsider for having his magnificent behind. His older brother and his father both had the Auditore Family curse of a capital bum, so he took comfort in knowing that he was not completely alone. When he joined the AssCreed, it was like a big sigh of relief that he could accept his booty for what it was- beauteous and ravishing.

Grateful for all the satisfaction of being an ass-assin brought by the creed, Ezio made a personal vow to see to it that he would expand and glorify the order. Ezio had always been in search of the best to bring into the AssCreed. His tutelage would only go so far as to raise the right sorts of butts into the order and condition those people to accept an observation that has been repeated by the ass-assin's since the great beginning;

_Nothing is true, _  
_Every ass is permitted._

The AssCreed had been flourishing and in a golden age of bums and booty's galore, until the day the Borgia's would not have their arse-based reputation dwindle to a lower status. Cesare sought out Ezio, and played every trick in the book to lure the Ass-assin out to him. He killed off his brothers, insulted his behind, outlawed tight pants, ANYTHING to draw forth Ezio. Having enough of the rambunctious royalty's affairs, Ezio finally allowed himself to be summoned. He purposefully wore his tightest pants in spite of Cesare.

"Ezio Auditore da Firenze… a… Master Ass-assin! The ass that EVERYBODY is talking about."

Cesare strutted about his rooftop balcony where the two had met up. He was clad in some-what tight leggings that barely highlighted his cardboard-flat arse, ones that any higher classmen should likely be ashamed of.

"Enough of your antics, Cesare. You have so desperately called me out, now tell me what it is that you want from me." Ezio belittled him, annoyed and regretting actually being beckoned by the jealous bigot.

"You know damn well what I want, ass-assin! Tell me, tell me your secrets!" Cesare screamed foolishly in a desperate wail of animosity.

"I thought that message would be clear," Ezio smirked and leaned casually over the balcony fence, making sure his perfect butt stuck out from his robes, taunting. "Every ass in our order is ~natural~."

Cesare grimaced, rage boiled in his eyes, a feverish red dawning on his face.

"Auditore, I swear to GOD if you do not reveal to me the secrets left by Altiar on perfect butts, your order shall suffer! I shall bring my wrath about them as if it were the APOCALYPSE!"

Ezio casually wiggled his behind, pouting, unamused. "You can't have it, _culo piatto_."*

Cesare broke down crying out, wailing, and stomping. "THE BORGIAS WILL NOT BE DISGRACED BY A BAND OF PETTY ASS-FLASHERS!" He punched at a wall, "Our asses have been worshiped! Our booties are the greatest in all of Italia! Of the WORLD! No low-life, scoundrels with tight pants will surpass that!"

Ezio only smirked. He could only offer a few more words to further pester the raging Templar.

"Perhaps one day, Cesare, you will finally see the truth about your own arse." Ezio started to climb onto the railing, Cesare just stared with distaste, "The truth that you, or any member of your family, cannot possess the power brought by a wonderful ass."

With these last provoking words, Ezio dodged a bullet that Cesare had fired and leaped into a haystack on the outside of the castle walls, smirking the whole way. Cesare stomped over to the railing to watch him go, raising his fist in the air.

"I WILL FIND YOUR SECRETS, ASS-ASSIN!"

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* _flat ass_


	2. The Brotherhood Cannot Deny

"Ezio, you are back!" the happy and familiar sound of Leonardo's voice rang throughout the Thieves' guild inn.

Many drunkards, gamblers, and buffoons clowned around the bar and assorted games throughout the den. The ass-assins hanging around noticed their mentor walking in and straightened up. Those who could, took advantage of gazing at his butt. Leonardo masked his aggravation towards those who stared so dauntingly. Ezio smiled while coming over to his favorite person in Italia, dodging chortling fools along the way.

"Leonardo, my friend." A welcoming embrace made Ezio feel right where he belonged. Ezio returned the welcoming with a playful pat on the bum, as was a tradition in the Creed to do to friends and brothers.

Leonardo put his hands to Ezio's shoulders. "What was it that Cesare sought you for? Although, I do have a vague idea already." He hinted at Ezio's extraneously tight leggings that garnished his bum underneath his robes.

"As usual, my friend, your deduction is _motto bene_.*" Ezio waved Leonardo over to an empty table near La Volpe's back room where they went to sit.

"The 'all-mighty general' of the Templar Booty army is losing his mind," his voice dripping with sarcasm at 'all-mighty'.

"Oh? He feels inferior?" Leonardo snickered, accepting a drink from a ass-assin trainee. Ezio graciously accepted the drink as well and nodded at the ass-assin in thanks.

"Not only that, he seeks out aid from me, expecting me to reveal secrets of our order. If he takes me for a charitable foe, then surely he is wrong." Ezio takes a sip of the liquor.

Leonardo laughed, "Charity has always been a quality of yours, Ezio, so perhaps he though of it to extend to Templars as well."

Ezio chuckled. His smiled slowly vanished as his thoughts collected,

"The only thing that worries me most, Leonardo, is that he brought mention of Altiar's secrets. Knowing the ass-assins have some secrets to their butts is common knowledge, but to actually know about Altiar's is another story…" Ezio stared into his drink, trying to think of a coarse of action.

Leonardo glanced consolingly, "He is a irrational man with a fancy for reputation. His desperation far out-weighs his intelligence. The Brotherhood cannot deny his ambitions. I fear if he is not given any information, he shall turn to senseless allies."

"Leonardo, I know not what I would do with out your wisdom." Ezio took a quick sip of his wine, " He threatened to bring an apocalypse on our order. He is a fool."

"What else is new?" Leonardo smiled lovingly. "He may be the Templar Booty's general, but he will never have the tactical wisdom to launch a successful attack on the ass-assins. Your bums are _far _superior to their's."

Ezio always found comfort in conversation with Leonardo. He always knew just what to say. He had been a friend since the days he still lived in Florence, and he will always have a place in Ezio's heart. After gazing with admiration into Leonardo's eyes for a few moments, he mustered up the will power to leave his lover's presence for a few moments.

"I must go speak with La Volpe. If it is an attack Cesare plans to launch, then I must do everything in my power to make sure that we are prepared. Even if it is not successful, I shall not jeopardize this order." Ezio explained.

"Yes, very good." Leonardo spoke, "Just as a proper leader should do. I am still working on the schematics for a new machine, as well as upgrades to the hidden blades, so I suppose I shall be seeing you later tonight?" He phrased it as a question, unsure if Ezio was planning to do so.

"I intend to." He masterfully wrapped an arm around Leonardo's waist and reeled him in for a passionate kiss, making Leonardo swoon.

Parting from his love, sliding his arm down, and grabbing Leonardo's hand Ezio said, "I shall see you tonight, _mi amore_." and planted a kiss upon his hand. He took his leave, making sure to smile one last time while staring into those beautiful blue eyes that Leonardo had.

Ezio turned into the back room and heard his lover mumble from behind him,

"_Ah, dio mio._"**

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*very good

** my god


End file.
